For whatever it’s worth

I’m just living my life reading books, and a miasma
of angst rises from the line breaks, chastising and
culling whatever remains of my will, disorienting
an already hazy mind, a despairing ugly
nebula, tortured both: objectively and
subjectively, I look everywhere and I see hate,
and then look within and see nothing different,
and I can’t help but ask why I soldier on when
I’m a waste of space, a postgraduate dropout,
third wheeling with apathy and darkness,
sitting in an empty, forsaken theater
of black chimera,
a bipolar mood swing, fucked up,
shell of a man, wandering into
a kaleidoscope of emotion, a chain smoker
with bluing lips and a tongue with nicotine
patches, like a carpet with grotesque stains,
mooching off my parents, sending
Facebook friend requests to a hundred
people and ending up with
8 plastered on the damn wall, unable to live
with a past of intense trial, tribulation, and
trepidation, knowing agape and losing it
for reasons unexplained, and then something
harsh, severe, cutting through skull from the
outside, and nights spent roaming the streets
in ‘penance’, enduring the rain, stepping on
thorns, trying to gouge my eyes out,
and then coming back only to know that
it never left me, it split the curtain
between this world and the next and
spoke, frightening and torturing me,
and they think I’m a lunatic, and
they’re right, but I can’t shake off my neurosis
or psychosis, my panoramic delusions, so
far-reaching, and I need prescription to
survive, to get up and start a day, let alone
live, and I’m often catatonic,
and desire a wall of one’s own
to rest against,
and so, yes, in that sense, “Dieu est mort,”
because it’s pointless when you’re hung,
drawn and quartered, outside the gates of a
semblance of sanity, while a choir
of angry demons watch, each time you go near
faith, and so I apologize for all the hurt caused
because of this rage, this inner crucifix,
and I can’t give anyone anything except these
lines, and though no one listens, or hears my
cry, they’re here, etched, so that one day when
I’m gone they’ll read for whatever it’s worth.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

Protected by Copyscape

62 responses

  1. Yeah. I feel this. At times, seeming like a waste of space and time and energy and yet here we are, right? Gotta keep going. Keep writing. There’s really no other options for us, is there? Love this.

    • Yeah, you have to. No matter what, and sometimes we’re forced to find meaning in tough circumstances. Keep writing my friend and I will too. And thank you so much!

  2. For what it’s worth, your words, your writings are really transporting; overwhelming!
    I’m grateful to you for them.☺️

    • Thank you for all the support Orange. I’m so glad you like my words. I really respect the few who do. I’ll be chilling somewhere else for a while. I don’t feel comfortable here. This blog will remain though. But I plan on taking a long break from WP. So you can find me there. My writing may not be dark anymore. I’m trying to move away from that aspect of it, and look at the positive side of existentialism and other philosophy, and write about music and stuff. And yes, it means a lot 😋

      • I’m happy that you are looking at the positive side of existentialism. I do like these changes in your writings a lot. Very nice!

        Long break?😢 Now that’s not nice! I’m sure you’ll still write during your break, so the possibility of having too many stuffs to read when you are back makes me feel good!

        I swear I don’t consider a reader like me one bit worthy of reading your writings (It’s hard to break it to you though 😆) Even the comments, it’s just what I feel. If I ever considered myself worthy enough, I would have pleaded you to let me read your works, whether the blog remains or not.

        When does your long break commence?

      • No I have a FB page with the same title. It’ll grow soon. You can find it easily. The next phase in my writing life begins there. My Instagram also will have quite a few poems. So basically my writings on all three platforms will be different. And all three are linked. So I’ll still be writing. I’ll be writing sporadically on WP. I get bad vibes from this place, and I want to go away until my head is clear. And trust me, I’d rather have you and a very few others from here reading my work. So don’t even talk about worth. I don’t think I’m worthy enough to write honestly. Follow my blog elsewhere, and check out my Instagram page. That way you can read, and trust me WP gets taxing with regards to what you want to write about too. And thanks again for all the support. I really appreciate it.

      • I’m really unhappy to know that you get bad vibes from WordPress! The internet is full of freaks! I’m sick of social media platforms, and I write and read, generally on WordPress, ‘almost anonymously’😂😆

        Thank you so much for letting me know that you have a facebook page, and that you’ll continue writing on Instagram. I’m not on Instagram or facebook, but I’ll read your stuff whenever I’m free by visiting there! ☺️

        You should thank your fingers that type rather, trust me! (…for the support)😆

      • I was not on FB, Twitter or Instagram for a very long time. I came back to WP, because I felt it’s a better platform for expressing myself. But the internet is full of all kinds of people I don’t want to associate myself with. It’s very dangerous, and I just want my comfortable place. FB gives you much more moderation and safety, and when you use Instagram for a selective audience, it’s worth it. Then there is medium, but I haven’t explored it fully, and I found it very hard to get a readership there. But if there is a way, I’ll let you know. My fingers are growing tired lol. These days I hardly have the inspiration. I just want to start an easy reading blog, with some tough stuff thrown in now and then, and change the ambience completely. I’ll probably start today.

      • Firstly, cheers to new beginnings! 🚬😀

        It really saddens me that people can’t even mind their own business and just let others be. Pathetic! Please try to care the least about all such freaks. They are not your tribe, gentleman! And you definitely know why it was hard for you to find readership there, don’t you?

        Yes, do let me know further. And I hope your fingers aren’t cursing me! Lol 😆

      • 🚬 Cheers Orange! My FB page should grow soon, so you can like as yourself and I won’t know. Or you can start a page of your own, and hit like too. I might post one more poem or article here and then drift off. But I’m not sure yet. The good thing about WP is that you actually get an audience. But the bad part is you don’t know who you attract. About medium it’s a different system completely. So that’s another headache. Nope my fingers aren’t cursing you lol. Facebook has a lot of advantages. But you need to know what attracts people even if it’s niche writing.

      • Hehe! Yes, it should grow, and it will, for all the amazing content ☺️
        And I was unable to find the fb or insta page. Can you share a link?

      • Thank you so much Orange. You’ll find my Instagram page at the bottom of my WP site. You’ll also find my twitter account. The FB page is under construction still. So when it’s done I’ll give you the link.

      • I have decided to continue posting here sporadically. I will post on other platforms more frequently. A link to both my FB page and Instagram will be displayed at the bottom of this page.

      • You posting sporadically is certainly better than you almost abandoning the blog. Really happy with this decision ☺️
        And needless to say, I’ll read your stuff at other places too, as frequently as possible 😀

        I hope the best for you!

      • I’d still say you should share your thoughts, no matter what… If someone differs and doesn’t feel good about it, they’ll probably seethe in anger and pull through it. And in case they decide not to make you feel good about it, you can just weed them out.

        Ya, if you feel God doesn’t deserve your attention, fair enough!☺️

      • Yo! I will. Maybe after feb, I have my exams from 19th and I worry I’ll screw it up if I happen to like FB too much! 😂

      • But I might post some real light stuff on Facebook, because hell, I want to have some fun too lol. Have you checked out the page Nihilist memes. It’s brilliant.

      • Excited for light-hearted stuff from you. I’m sure you’ll rock ☺️
        Just checked out the page nihilist memes! Classy it is.

      • Yeah it’s hilarious! That and cyanide and happiness. I think you might know the latter. They have some really funny dark humour. And yeah I’m setting up the page tonight. I might rename it though, because I want to post light hearted stuff there. I feel like Corey Taylor lol. If this is Slipknot that is Stone Sour!

  3. This is an amazing piece of writing.
    There is so much in here, I am sure a lot of people can relate to at different points in our lives, but you have articulated it all so expertly!
    You are not a waste of space. No human is. I believe life is truly a miracle. And I do feel sad that you have had bad experiences on WP. I am doing the opposite to you, I am closing down my FB. But I wish you well in your endeavours and sincerely hope you find peace, or that it finds you 🌸

    • Thanks. I’m not religious anymore. I honestly think it’s a waste of time, but I respect those who practice it. I can’t let the idiots here win, and so I’m back. And I don’t feel like a waste of space anymore.

      • Yes, being religious can be a complete waste of time. And that applies to non spiritual things too :) But that isn’t what I meant.
        But I am so glad you have had a change of heart and that you are feeling better! You have my support! :)

      • Spirituality is a vast realm to be honest. And there are very ugly aspects of it, best avoided. As far as non spiritual things, well, it depends. If it involves life, or literature or philosophy, or good music or good food, or a good movie, I see nothing wrong with it. If it involves wasting too much time on the internet, then well, it isn’t worth it. For me, the greater the separation between the art and the artistry, the greater the artist. T.S. Eliot will agree.

      • Yes it is vast, and I agree, some of it should be avoided. And of course it is all contextual etc (the non spiritual things).
        Those things you listed, I see that as all a part of soulfulness and art anyway, enjoying the good gifts of life that help make us whole.
        Ugh, it is easy to waste time on the internet, that is for sure. I guess that can be contextual as well, where we are spending our time and to what ends. But at the end of the day, nothing beats the real presence of people, and real environment. My husband read a study on depression, and how important it is to look at the face of a loved one, in person for at least 30 mins every day.

      • Yeah. I dislike the whole dark spiritual thing if you know what I’m saying. The Neil Gaiman Sandman stuff that some people might actually be into. As far as Christians are concerned, I’ve known both kind and self-righteous ones. I don’t like the latter. I respect the former. It’s good to meet people. And people who are there for you, like family, mean everything. And it’s good to make time for them.

      • Yes, I understand. There was a time when I was being drawn into Satanism years ago. I understand.
        Yes, self righteousness is tragic. Humans seem prone to it, unfortunately. But if they are serious about what the Bible teaches, there is no room for it. I understand what you are saying, one of my pet peeves, I should probably stop before I start venting about it haha
        Yes, I know from my own depression, how you have to let logic over ride your feelings sometimes. Or your lack of feeling. When you think your family and loved ones don’t want you around etc, it’s important to remind yourself that that isn’t true. Easier said than done of course :)

      • Humans are prone to self righteousness. Can’t say that I don’t have those tendencies myself. I don’t read Neil Gaiman anymore lol. I traded him in for much better books, but most of my books here are really difficult reads. I plan on getting a few light ones! Yeah you need to use reason to defeat your feelings. It doesn’t happen in a day, and medication does help, but only to an extent. You should read man’s search for meaning by Viktor Frankl. I plan on re-reading it. It’s honestly a fantastic book. It’s positive existentialism at its best. And it isn’t preachy at all. Lack of feeling is sometimes a better thing than negative feelings. It certainly works for me. Yeah, but like you said, it’s easier said than done.

      • I believe every human has those tendencies, just to different degrees and depending on self awareness etc. There is a verse I believe is so true, when Jesus said we are to take the log out of our own eye before we can even see to take the speck out of another’s. It isn’t just good advice, it’s quite fascinating to pick it apart I think.
        Yes! I agree that light reads are so important. It is good to feed your soul and humour and enjoyment of life.
        Thank you for the recommendation, I have never got around to reading it. I want to be more deliberate about those things.
        Hmmm I agree, in context. I think we have been blessed with the capacity to switch off feelings for different reasons, it’s just that if it becomes a default state, that is a concern. Negativity has its place, as far as a kind of warning signal I think…but if they aren’t dealt with or analysed etc, then yeah, that is really hard!
        Interesting chat, thank you :)

      • Yeah I know that verse. The book I recommended is written from the point of view of a Holocaust survivor who calls for something called tragic optimism even when you’re faced with the worst circumstances. Yes negativity is a good warning signal. And it needs to be dealt with properly. It takes time though. And you’re very welcome :)

    • Okay waste of time for me lol. To each his|her own. And I’m growing comfortable writing just for myself. I think the best thing to do is to not read blogs which give me this negative energy. Simple. And the idiots are many, they come from all over the world. They probably had some messed up experiences in their lives, and instead of rising above it, they end up living their art out. But to hell with them.

      • Yes absolutely avoid the blogs that bother you. It makes no sense to be there.
        And hopefully the others will have some kind of healing through their expression, that they are hopefully on their way to rising above it. But that doesn’t mean you should feel obliged to read it or be a part of it. Do what you have to do to protect your peace of mind.

      • Yeah that’s what I’m doing. I read only blogs which help me in some sense. Even if the content is dark, I don’t mind, as long as I don’t get some negative energy from them. Thank you.

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