A day in my life

I get stoned these days; not an intentional, ‘I need to get high,’ stoned, but I struggle with migraines, skin rashes and cold, and I’m on cough syrups and antihistamines. Maybe I take an extra swig of the syrup because I’m tired, and just want the day to get over. But I’m not really sure. I went to the departmental store to pick up an energy drink, and found myself staring at the woman behind the counter. It wasn’t because she’s hot or anything, I basically looked right through her with dilated pupils, while she kept asking me for some details. I liked standing there, while people rushed in and out, surrounding me, but then I couldn’t do the catatonic thing forever, and so I snapped out of it, paid her, and left. I then went to a small tea shop and bought some cigarettes, and drank my lemon tea, and suddenly that whole light, euphoric buzz started becoming something ugly, just like the sickening feeling you get when you smoke too much bad weed. And so I didn’t finish my tea, paid the guy quickly and walked home. It’s like certain places give me this cool solitude and gentle atmosphere when I’m high, but other places just make me feel sick and nauseated. But I don’t really need to get high. I’m usually a total recluse who loves solitude, and when I get it, my mood and being shifts into something ethereal, and I feel like I’m floating, suspended in mid-air, or defeating gravity. I had a friend preach to me today while I was catching up on blog posts. He basically judged me and said that I’m doing nothing with my life. I guess he’s both right and wrong. He’s right in a superficial sense, but in a deeper sense, I don’t want to lead his life: Working as a software engineer, drinking like a fish, gambling and then preaching the prosperity gospel in some hysterical charismatic church. He takes a half-day vacation, and then gets up and goes to work. Fuck. If you’re taking a break at least make it four days is my motto. But hell, who am I to judge? Live and let live, I guess. The problem with him is that he won’t stop arguing until he has the last say, and so, I just blocked him. Let him think he won the argument and ‘humbled’ me, or whatever. I guess I’ll read a little Fitzgerald tonight and then hit the sack. I’m sort of nonchalant now, and I like that too. Anything’s better than paranoia or neurosis. But as I dig deeper I’ve realized that my subconscious and conscious mind got merged at some point in my life. So regardless of if I’m writing or talking, I’m passively spilling words out. And when I’m walking, I’m mechanically crossing the street. All my actions are passive. Even my strength is a passive strength. It’s never an active grit. Maybe it’s a good thing, or maybe not, but I’m past caring.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

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8 responses

  1. From where should I begin? This nonchalant phase is like me living in that zone almost everyday, doing nothing in my life “superficially”..eh! The smoking, gambling..etc is all resonated from my soul.
    I hear you and I hear this chaos! No judging now whatsover.

    Peace to you, still!

    • No. I didn’t use parelellism in this particular piece, although I love your interpretation. I actually had a conversation with a friend who was pissed off because I satirised Christian fundamentalism on FB. The doing nothing with my life used to bother me, but these days, I just go with the journey. But yeah the nonchalant bit is me. I can be as nonchalant as they come. Thanks a ton my friend. It’s always nice when someone gives the piece an entirely different dimension.

  2. Your friend, so many people like him. Who sets the guidelines for who’s doing things with their life? Every single person is doing something so every single person is doing something with their lives.
    His implication that you’re not doing anything worthwhile or fulfilling it such a ridiculous pretentious judgement and one can’t make that for another. Just as you said, you’d definitely not want to live his so if he’s at the high end of his spectrum he’s gauging this by, well then it’s quite fair to say you have your own spectrum and he’s in the low end.

    I’m sorry, people and their imposing opinions drive me crazy.

    • Thank you so much for such a beautiful comment. People change. When I was 22 he was unemployed too, and we hung out and drank. But now that he’s got a big job and travels around the world, he loves doing this, even though I don’t bother him. And when I did call him he said he’s busy, but I later found out that he’s hanging out with a new group of friends who all have big jobs and shit. And I’m beneath his dignity. He says he’s not judging me, but spews propaganda, but the thing is that I can’t change people. I can only put them out of my lives when they get on my nerves and find my balance. The best thing to do is to avoid confrontation altogether. The old adage which says that discretion is better than valour is true.

  3. Yeah, I get this. Totally. I haven’t worked a 9-5 for almost seven years now and in some people’s eyes that makes me a loser and a nobody and what-the-fuck-ever. My “job” doesn’t define me and it’s a sorry sad existence for someone who thinks it does. You can’t wrap your identity in your paycheck. Although I did truly enjoy working, well, I truly enjoy my reclusive life too. So much more peaceful. Thoughtful. And I believe, productive. If a high-paying job, daily drinking, shallow socialization, and religious venom make me successful… well I’ll happily take the title of Failure.

    • I love the last two sentences. It’s your uniqueness that defines you, and your individuality that makes you. Yeah wrapping your identity in a paycheck is nonsense. You’re never satisfied. It becomes all about proving something to the world. Yeah I love cold places and the mountains, and hell I might even retire there soon. Thank you for such an encouraging comment.

  4. How can anyone possibly say you’re doing “nothing” with your life???…❤ God, if these words aren’t proof of the magnificent, breathtakingly beautiful talent that you have for this world, then I’m not sure what will prove it to people like him. I’m nowhere near as talented as you, but tales and the words that they hold, it all reigns on for eternity…Paychecks, status, wealth and all of those trivial things, temporary pleasures that are unequivocally important to those who put emphasis on it; Yet they are only temporary. Nobody remembers it once you depart from this life. But your writing will be remembered, and it will live on. I hope to God, that you don’t let people like him discourage you. 😊

    • Thank you so much for such a beautiful comment. It makes me want to write more. And you’re right, materialistic things eventually fade, but art holds some beauty that’s remembered. I guess the key to it all is not proving anything to people like him. Once again, I’ve very appreciative of all your support.

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