Journal entry 3: The final stance

If my words have provoked you, or hurt you, both in a direct or indirect way, then I take absolute responsibility for the sorrow I’ve caused. I will not play the blame game, and say that it was my neurosis or psychosis that made me do something wrong. I let those off-tune pipers who seek my dissonance to play their song, without making an effort to not listen to them. I let delusional fury seethe and scald my inner being without even attempting to baptize myself in light. But please know that I stopped judging people sometime ago, and even when they unnerve me, I make sure I sublimate or make amends. I no longer let the hammer thud, and a voice echo, saying, “He or she’s guilty!” No, I seek to understand and learn from both my mistakes, and the wisdom and ugliness of others. Now, I respect humanity, but I cannot love everyone, which is why, I cut ties with people who’re bound to cause friction; never going near them, because my fractured bones heal, and I don’t intend to splinter them again; others I keep a healthy distance from, because I can’t let each idea soak into my head and give my darkness something to gnaw on. And still others, I offer a hand of friendship, and warmth, and if it’s taken I’m grateful, and if not, I understand and move on. And finally for a handful, I let love overwhelm and overpower me, and echo that affection and action, because they did/do the same for me through it all. And these are my apologies and my self, stripped off its skin. This is my core and my final stance. I decided and acted upon this a while ago, avoiding declaration, because things felt and done hold the beauty of a precious stone, glinting in the cadence of the milky moonlight, while things said often only hold a false aura that seems like valor or discretion. But having acted, I guess, I can tell you, now that the deeds slowly fall into place that here I stand.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

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5 Comments

  1. “I let those off-tune pipers who seek my dissonance to play their song, without making an effort to not listen to them. I let delusional fury seethe and scald my inner being without even attempting to baptize myself in light. “. Wow! I just couldn’t stop myself from reading them again. J completely adore these two lines.

    For long enough now, I’ve been commenting on every post, so much that I don’t even feel like saying stuff like ‘amazing’ or ‘mind-blowing’ anymore. You can assume it every time you see an Orange-y like 😂

    This post is so wonderfully dignified, It expresses everything so very perfectly. In my words, the attitude of caring and not caring and rightly knowing how much to care about and what to care about; that’s what I see here. It’s a liberating thing. I see the beautiful attempt to make peace with everyone else and having meaningful relationships.

    Somehow, these posts resonate so much, and it feels like I just read something that I would want to write. I’m glad I found your blog ☺️

    1. Thank you. That was just me fiddling with stream of consciousness. It’s nice to have long comments. I love healthy discussion. So yeah, I’ll eagerly wait for the Orange-y like. At the end of the day, I guess all of us long for closure and catharsis, and that’s what I wanted to convey. Thank you again Orange for such a nice comment.

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