I’ll leave soon, and I’m not returning; at least never in entirety. Perhaps a part of me (a tiny sliver really) will live amidst the machinery, the dust, the grind and the cacophony. And I already exist here in some semi-soma induced half-euphoric sleep, letting the glint and glow of imagination live more than the body. So, don’t look for me, or ask for a wise word, a poem, or art to help you construct or deconstruct, because if that’s what you seek, you won’t get it. But is that what you seek? And certainly don’t look for me in person, because you won’t find me. But do you look for me? I guess, you can’t exist without me, but I can live in absolute solitude without you, and those are the two distinct spheres that envelope us: The first, like a hard paperweight, yet penetrable, with tendrils raking and reaching for a muse; the second a perfectly content, soft, yet impenetrable blue sphere, with closure, the only soft, cool breeze swirling within. But then again, I may be completely wrong. But right and wrong have nothing to do with this, do they? Haven’t I said enough that I don’t need you? And yet you trail like children after the piper or maybe you don’t. Haven’t I made it clear through word and action that I’ve jettisoned you from my system? And yet you follow clandestinely, pretending being inconspicuous or maybe you don’t. If you seek love, you’ll never get it from me, because you’re an iota to me, and try as you may, you’ll never possess me. But do you seek my love? My heart is mine alone, and I’m free to give it whoever I choose, and it isn’t any of you. But do you seek my heart? So you cannot make me love or hate you, but just acknowledge your presence, and walk to my own rhythm. If you trail, do so, for the rest of your life, even though you’ll soon lose sight of me. If you stealthily leap from rooftop to rooftop, do so, until you see me no more, and lose your footing, and fracture yourself. But if you’re elsewhere walking peacefully, do so. You’re present and so am I, and yet our minds will never be united, our souls never soaring together, and our hearts never beating in rhythm. But do you desire that? If you choose idealism and still believe, do so, until you meet the sordid ground. If you wish to move on, and find another, do so. I wish you well. If you wish to love someone else furiously, do so. I wish you well. If you’ve already found what you seek, and have no need of me, good, because it doesn’t matter to me. If you wish to think these lines are for you, it’s your prerogative, when they’re actually about me finding bliss in simplicity, and moving on to the next chapter of my life. So do as you please, because no one stops you, and here’s the secret that makes me do the same: I gave up even wanting to know what you do or say, some time ago.
© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)