Hoping on a miracle

There are these insects buzzing around this ditchwater mind of mine: so full of despondency and a raw stench. Little ramshackle ideas surround it, and the thoughts that live there have grown accustomed to the green miasma of shattered idealism and broken beauty. They’ve regressed, growing paranoid by the day, giving me a distorted mind’s eye view of what’s without, and day after day, I’m sinking in my delusion, feigning strength when I’m tangled up in you, when I’m kissing you at dawn, when I’m held between your thighs, your dew some ephemeral comfort, some transient release, and I know that you love me, but I’m waging war with myself, my angels losing to my demons, slaughtered one by one, and I want to, no, I need to give you more than just the nonchalant now clichéd three words. I need to selflessly shed this scratched skin like a snake, and find something more durable, something that’ll sustain me, but more importantly reach out to you like myriad palms touching your heart, and soothing you, letting you know that this isn’t hypocrisy, but true ardor, just muted by the cries of my inner battlefield. Yesterday when you took me in, and our bodies echoed to the rhythm that writers only try immortalizing, I felt hunger, lust, love and guilt. Guilt because I’m crumbling, praying to imagined crosses, finding no answers, and with bloody tears of anguish, I feel Golgotha nearing, when each self, birthed from violent self-revolutions will tear each other apart, until the strongest, most distasteful, crude, creator of maladies which snipped my naïve charm with a crude pair of scissors, will overwhelm and usurp this weak fighter and I won’t be the man you know anymore. But maybe there’s a miracle and if it’s not you, each second I spent on this wretched planet was never worth it.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

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16 responses

  1. “there are these insects buzzing….” Okay so the opening lines definitely hooked me to read further and each line spoke a piece of pure art, I must say.
    I always connect you your imageries!
    Bravo, Nitin.

    • I’m humbled by your words. I do my best and bring out whatever is within me when I write and it means the world when someone connects to it. Thank you so much.

      • I’m pretty sure you are one of the most intelligent people I know. I always feel a little dumb around you but hope I can absorb some of your deep intellect if I hang around long enough.

      • I’m actually called a lunatic by the people around me. Those who I once knew now don’t want anything to do with me, and they critiqued my writing severely once even though they’re not in the literary field and can’t write for nuts. I’ve let go, but it’s still tough when I think of the things said. And here good writers like you (I still remember the poem in which you personified an owl; that was fantastic) say the opposite. Thank you. I’m touched and I sincerely mean it. You make me want to keep at it.

      • I believe that most people of lower or average intelligence are threatened by those with a higher intelligence and deeper thoughts. So the knee-jerk response is to say, hey, this guy must be crazy because he doesn’t conform to our lower/slower/shallower way of thinking. He doesn’t toe the line so he must be wrong. Well, my friend, we both know “they” are wrong. You keep doing what you do.

      • Yeah, do you feel that way sometimes? Like the entire world just can’t get you. I mean, everyone’s busy conforming to what’s trending and you’re trying hard to get them to expand their horizons and think differently, but then they despise you. I guess that’s why Pearl Jam wrote Not for you, because the moment they became popular, the very people who bullied Jeremy started listening to them because they were ‘cool’. But then again Pearl Jam evolved later and took a different alternative rock approach to music. But trust me, say you start a band tomorrow and you’re famous, you’ll have the very people who hate you suddenly loving you and sending you messages. Society is shallow that way like you put it, but there isn’t any point being bitter about it, I guess. We’ll just have to keep doing what we do because we love art and not because we want to prove anything although the anger never fully subsides.

  2. I know a lot about paranoia, inner wars, delusions…they always want to win. Don’t give up the fight, and please don’t stop writing. It’s a great purge, and it’s good for us. Everyone wants to know that they are understood–

    • True. And I’m thankful for people like you who can relate to what I’m saying. And yes writing is a beautiful gift. And there’s always someone out there who gets you, and even if it’s one person, it’s a beautiful thing. Thank you so much for your kind words.

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