I love you, though you said, ‘you were never on my list,’
with a veil of malice masking the shrine of your true affection,
I love you, though you despised me and thought I’m this vagabond,
displaced, dismissed, dysfunctional and decentered, a broken
wretch, soaked in tears of self-loathing, trapped in a paperweight
of delusion, feeding off the unreal, surreal blues and greens,
I love you, though you fell from grace, suddenly, swiftly,
like a falcon – one without prey, clawing at the dust and
broken rocks, screeching for solace, crying for catharsis,
I love you, though you pushed me away, because of
our past, our bodies no longer entwined, forcing you to
reject, repudiate me, the glow of a then allure, now replaced
by the dim light of bitterness, flickering, fickle minded,
I love you, though you came, teetering between drowning
and redemption, unsure and yet sure,
unwilling and yet willing, unyielding and still
wanting to surrender,
I love you, though you kissed me with mixed feelings,
never knowing where we’ll end up, ever knowing
that we’re messed up, but hoping on a miracle,
I love you, though we made love in the throes of
pleasure and ugliness: both rising above the surf, and
being engulfed by fire and brimstone,
I love you, though these lines don’t give you justice
and are just raw, slash of the wrist expression,
the droplets of red ink falling, slowly, steadily,
and suddenly,
I love you though we’re not together and I lie
wasted in a ramshackle room, pinned to a crucifix
of addiction, while you grieve what you call ‘a could
have been,’ while I scream silently, calling it
‘a should have been.’

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

Protected by Copyscape

27 responses

  1. This is a really strong piece. The entire thing is excellent, you ended it with the perfect lines:

    ‘while you grieve what you call ‘a could
    have been,’ while I scream silently, calling it
    ‘a should have been’

    I can totally relate to what you are saying here. I went through a similar situation once which I just didn’t know how to deal with and ended up being a drunk for a number of years.

    • Thank you so much! Yeah terrible circumstances are often difficult to get out of. I drink everyday, but I’m hoping for some solace and peace. I’m glad you could relate to it, even though it’s not a positive piece. I guess that helped me realise that I don’t struggle alone. And that there are others who’ve fought and won.

    • Thank you so much! Yeah it’s a tough place, but art helps me get through the darkness, and I can’t help but bleed on a page sometimes. You are very kind.

  2. Beautifully constructed…I see that much like me, you love a smorgasbord of words….you like to drown in words, so do I. Sometimes the drowning can be a resurrection, can have the opposite effect of the deluge.i like drowning in your words. Well done!
    ~Wilde 💙

    • Yeah I love drowning in words. It all just comes out when I find inspiration. I’m often inebriated and write when I’m drunk, and whatever you see on the page reflects my core and emotion. I enjoy losing myself reading your work. So the feeling is mutual Wilde. And thank you so much! -Nitin

      • Interesting. So you are often in a different state when you write? You think it’s a more honest state? -Wilde

      • See the thing is I do suffer from Bipolar Disorder and OCD and I’m already on a lot of medication for the conditions. The meds obviously play with your neurotransmitters and your personality changes. Mine did. I became bolder, less inhibited and it’s like this mental block was removed. This was five years ago, and I started writing a year later. I started chainsmoking three years ago, and the drinking regularly habit I picked up recently. Before that I was into other substance abuse (antihistamine or mild downers). It may or may not be an honest state, because the process is the same even when I’m sober. It’s stream of consciousness. But it’s definitely a more emotional state. It becomes more than pinning words down. I feel what I write. But I do it because I’ve suffered a lot in my life, and I’m often so depressed that I drink. But I wouldn’t suggest anyone trying it. A lot of people end up doing foolish things when they’re drunk. They don’t write or read. They end up just behaving foolishly or violently. And so, it’s best to write when sober, unless you can control yourself is my advice. Having said all this, I’ll say that yes, an altered state of mind can enhance creativity. Huxley did peyote to expand his intellectual horizons. But it’s risky. I wouldn’t try peyote or hard drugs personally- Nitin

      • I’ve been on that end of things, too. I used to drink and do other stuff, but I was one of the ones who was not in a good state after having done so…now I don’t drink at all. Otdoesnt interact with my body chemistry on an ideal level. It gets ugly and o end up feeling like crap. But I can appreciate your position. I’m sorry you are going through all that. I think writing can help get rid of, or at least ease, some of our demons. There is something about getting it down on paper that really helps make it seem a little lighter, to me anyway. Also for me, activities like Medi tatiom and yoga help, but that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, I know. Keep the faith!! You have a brilliant mind. Brilliant minds are often tortured souls but there is a way out…keep searching xo

      • Yeah writing definitely helps ease the demons, which is why I share a love-hate relationship with it often. I have to pour my heart out and there’s always this reciprocal effect, but at the same time if I didn’t it’s hard to cope. I want to write about other things, especially the political scenario in my country which is moving towards an ugly Fascism. Minorities (especially Muslims and Christians) are tortured and killed here, and if the ruling party gets power again we’ll no longer be a democracy, but a militant Hindu dictatorship. But I’m just an obscure, dysfunctional writer, and I often feel like a coward for not standing up. For me, reading relaxes and philosophy works. Especially older philosophy. I don’t think I’m brilliant but I’m definitely tortured. I’ve also had experiences which are unreal. Whether they’re psychosis or some supernatural thing I don’t know, but they’re scary. All these things and others like childhood abuse have left me dented. Maybe one day I’ll say this too has passed. Thank you so much Wilde. You’re very kind and your words mean a lot.

    • They do. We live in an imperfect universe at the end of the day. And nobody’s perfect. Hell, I make so many mistakes knowingly and unknowingly, everyday. I guess it’s either God and if a person can’t him, then they’ll have to rely on a weak human will like I am.

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