Prison cell Paranoia

I etch my fears on the stone walls with a shank / The guards will take it away too / They’ll search for contraband soon / Frightened / Terrified / Waking each morning never knowing the date / December 24th 2018 / Or April 6th 2019? / Father forgive me for I’ve sinned against heaven and you / mom please stay…please don’t abandon me / I have no light / I’m separated from truth / The demon guard who beats me black and blue sneaks in a pill or two / He’s a sicko, a psycho, a fucking freak / Gets a twisted pleasure out of it / But I’m no different / I remember when we played hide and seek on the streets / Climbing rooftops / So carefree and wild / I remember that vacation I took with mother / Ooty, so cold and beautiful / And then the years of sorrow, guilt and turmoil / Utter, pure anguish / Religion and tears / Now they’ve arrested me / There’s no escape / Death row / Gas Chamber / Hell / The lowest hell below Judas / Traitor / Betrayer / Scoundrel / Abuser / Vagabond / Hater / Hypocrite / Beggar / Thief / Lecher / Alcoholic / Porn addict / Sex-maniac / Drug addict / Reprobate / Apostate / Sinner / Sinner / Sinner / Rage builds within / The fiercest rage / I hate the world / I hate you / I hate me / Demoniac / Devil / Destroyer / Debaser / Dual-Faced Dealer of Duplicities / Help me / I know not who I am and I’m afraid of what I’ve become / I can’t control myself / My sin gnaws at me / The pilgrim’s regress / Help me / Please don’t abandon me / Yes, I’m a pitiful wretch of a man / But I’m surrounded by bastards / I’m spiritually anaemic / I need crimson strength / Blue tranquility / Grey Zen / Green vivacity / Not Yellow psychological jaundice / Dark Blue melancholia / Grayish Black angst / And Ditch Green envy / Nobody cares / I call / They don’t respond / I reach out / And dust like syllables land on my page / Or it’s the other way around / I cut ties / And they despise me for it / I forsake and they say, ‘Now he comes, let him reap what he sowed.’ / Visitation hours are over / All appeals have failed / Wait / Soon they’ll escort me while I kick and scream / Strap me in the chamber until I froth / And then say, ‘Burn in hell you bastard.’

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

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