Change

Yes, I’m an alcoholic and a chain smoker,
I drink to feel because within I’m parched,
arid, airless and if I don’t I’m the archetypal
modern man, constantly downloading Facebook
comments and Instagram likes to my heart,
incessantly uploading lines as bland as
the soup served in a homeless shelter,
forever falsely reinforcing myself by seeking
a vicious circle validation from popular
people who don’t care,
always lost in emotional transition and
translating my core to hate poetry.
I’ve judged people, I’ve left spiteful, malicious
comments on their blog posts, I’ve let paranoia
seize me and transform me into a psychotic,
poetic boogeyman of sorts, with crimson eyes
without irises, a face tattooed with blade marks
like absent-spirits, and devilish horns splitting my skull
and giving me a demoniac’s anti-halo. But I’m done
using hate to fight hate, using anger to fight ostracism,
using rage to fight cruelty. I’m losing my Messiah
complex because I’m no holy man or saviour for the
broken. And these lines echo my repentance and remorse
from a soul that I thought a black hole completely replaced.
And if you take them, thank you. But if
you wish to still propagate vehement rhetoric
I can’t stop you and I won’t. I’ll just write about
the people who matter and express myself
positively. There’s no war here friend and I apologize
for starting one. There are two sides to a coin
but I don’t expect you to perceive that. So, flip it
and let it land on your palm and do whatever you must
depending on your call. It’s your prerogative to hate, your
entitlement to destroy, but what’s said on a computer
screen just stays there, and I’ve learned that now
the hard way and I plan on finding the light because
I’m finally calm, controlled and cool. I’ve discarded negative
energy – both people and lines written, and I can only say
that if my lines or messages which are often presented as half-truths
provoke people so much, then I can alter them and touch people
just as much.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

Protected by Copyscape

Posted In:

31 Comments

    1. I wrote this because there are just too many haters and I don’t want to be one anymore. Sure I’ll write about depression and sorrow but I’m never using anger or hate again. I’ve done stupid things which leads to people perceiving things wrongly and then telling other people and it never ends.

      1. Yeah, I get that. As long as you’re doing it for yourself and not cowing…. which I wouldn’t expect from you, but…. yeah. We all do stupid things. My take on this is: you are full of this powerful righteous indignation, passionately loyal, with much love to give although I suspect you neither see nor believe these things about yourself. Where you say hate, I say love. Even God himself hates. He hates lying and dishonesty and injustice. Hate is proper, aimed at the correct target. Don’t forget that. People make hate and anger and sadness and depression to be harsh negatives. They aren’t. They each have their place and time. I hate. I get angry. I get sad. I am depressed. The question is: what am I Doing with those things? Using them in a healthy way or a negative one. Calling someone out for their debauchery isn’t wrong. In fact we are called to hold people out in the Light, aren’t we? To shine Light on the Darkness. Okay. That’s just my two cents.

        1. You’re right. You have very valid points. But I’ll tell you exactly why I wrote this via email in a few hours okay. There are some specific reasons I wrote this. I can rip people poetically if I wanted to. But a few people I deeply respected turned on me and I just don’t have it in me anymore to fight them all. And it’s because of some misconstrued notions that got spread around. And it hurts because I was very supportive of their work.

        2. You do have a point about unnecessary guilt. Actually you have a ton of valid points. It’s just that I’ve been reading hate post after hate post from someone I deeply respected and I’m too jaded to counter. This is just me saying if you want to stoop so low do it. I’m not fighting a war. And another friend badly hurt me yesterday and then is making it look like I was interested in her, and instigating the hater, when I wasn’t at all. I never saw her that way. I honestly never saw her in that light. It’s strange these days. One argument and people think it’s because you’re interested in them. I never flirted with that person at all. It was strictly platonic because there was no chemistry between us and now I have to see this other friend who’s interested in her defending her with threats and warnings basically drawing me into a feud.

        3. oh god, Nitin. I’m sorry. That sucks. Misunderstandings… and when emotions and misconceptions move in, logic and reasoning take a back seat or else thrown right out the door. I’m not sure why people jump to the conclusion that a man and a woman in a very close friendship or a deep connection (even a shallow connection, really) are automatically romantically interested. (Personally I have one great girlfriend and several great guyfriends. It’s not romantic, just I’ve always related to men better than women. Meaning: I’ve come under pressure from others myself for my friendships.) I think what’s even worse here though is the underhanded way they’ve addressed their concerns, at least as you’ve explained them. It just doesn’t sound like “friendship” to me. I’m sorry this is happening, my friend. I really am.

        4. The best part is that we weren’t even that close. Some nonsense came up and I felt betrayed by this friend and said it, and now I’m under attack because I’m supposedly interested when I’m not in the least. Even if we were the last two survivors on this planet, I won’t be! Anyhow I don’t want to waste my time anymore fighting people. It takes the joy out of writing. They can keep their wars. And thank you Tara for the concern. I really appreciate you.

        5. And I’m glad to hear that it does, I’m having this splitting migraine today, It’s like a funeral in my damn head.

        6. It’s just a Migraine Tara. It’ll subside. I might as well write a poem about it but I’m only good at expressing emotion, not physical pain lol

        7. It’ll end up sounding humorous. So it’s definitely a challenge! Writing something like my head throbs yada yada isn’t up my alley lol

        8. Hahahaha!!! Oh god. Laughing so hard!! Because, upon hearing your wonderful voice, when I read your works, I hear you reading them in my head. And hearing you say: “…oohhh my head throbs in beat with a never ending funeral dirge that just may well be my own….” AHahahaha!!! I just can’t get there.

  1. We are constantly evolving, as people and and writers; it is inevitable that our writing will change in different ways with those periods of evolution. I don’t know you well; I have just started reading your poetry, but I get the feeling that you will never sacrifice the stripped and honest emotion of your writing. No matter where you are in your own emotional and creative evolution, your writing feels rooted to an emotional place. Like I said, I am new here and don’t know what came before, but I am looking forward to all that is to come.

    1. You’re right. You’ve assessed me correctly. I will never be able to separate my emotion from my lines because that’s just me. Even if I were to break rules of convention and try something avant-garde unless the emotional aspect is present, I won’t be able to write it. Thank you for your kind words.

  2. The David who slew Goliath
    that baffled King of battle
    The lover composing Hallelujah
    The sire of Solomon
    from a lust broken
    for the love of Bathsheba
    True Wisdom in fruition
    The way of the warrior
    … peace in the finding

  3. I found this very relatable because I’ve felt this way kind of for a while too. My writing is often very emotion based as well, so I’ve written angry stuff that are knee jerk reactions or deep rooted feelings that have been stewing inside of me, and it’s always cathartic in the moment. But when I go back to it and re-read it I often shy away from it and move it to my folder of work I don’t intend on sharing. I think it’s because anger is visceral, so it’s very easy to cause a reaction, but I’m not always sure that that reaction is necessarily positive or one I want to put into the atmosphere. I try to be at least somewhat conscious of what energy I’m putting out into the world. However, I’ve never read anyone’s work and found anger to be necessarily negative or off-putting except when it’s obvious they’re specifically doing it to cause a reaction just for the sake of causing a reaction. And I do think that happens quite often on social media, because it earns likes. I think trying to put out positive energy is good, and trying to evoke emotions that are honest is (in my opinion) ideal, but I don’t always think that doesn’t mean they can’t be angry.

    1. I pressed enter too early, anyways, apart from my novel length comment, I just meant to add that as always, I love your work, although I think this is the first time I’ve expressed how deeply I admire your writing.

    2. Thank you so much for such a kind comment. Yes anger just to get likes is superficial but sometimes you really do need a release. And I like writers who write from the gut. It’s beautiful when someone pours their heart and soul into what they’re doing rather than just thinking about things and writing. I too shy away from my angry posts because I’m usually in a better place and don’t want to go back to a darker, rage filled time in my life. You’ve encouraged me to just be myself when I write. And you being a supporter of my work genuinely and truly means so much to me. So it doesn’t matter if it’s a long comment because it’s heartfelt and sincere. Thank you again. I now look forward to reading more of your work – Nitin

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.