Journal Entry: A fresh start

I planned on taking a long break from writing, but I’ve decided to post sporadically. I will be gone for long or short periods now and then, but I plan on writing when things get too difficult for me to handle. This might be the darkest period of my life because I find myself losing my struggle with Bipolar Disorder and OCD with psychosis. I’m also struggling financially and got cheated out of a lot of money by a company with whom I teamed up to start a project. So first, I’d like to end wars on WordPress. This platform is a creative one that should help nurture artists and help them grow. This isn’t a platform to hold grudges, write explosive rants and hate on people (all of which I’m guilty of too.) Having said that, I’ve been hurt too, and my words reflected my anger. But in darkness there is light. There must be or else we’ll forever find ourselves groping through dim corridors looking for a switch without our glasses on. And I’d like to believe that there’s much more to life than that. During trying times, you find out who your real friends are. The people who’ll stand by you despite your eccentricities and idiosyncrasies. So, I want to start by thanking my dear mother for standing by me through it all. You’ve shown me unconditional love that I didn’t think was humanly possible. You’ve shown me that there’s another kinder, more beautiful side to humanity. I’m sorry I’ve hurt you, Mom. I’ve said and done things I should never have. And I know you’ll read this because you read my work without ever judging me and see the beauty even when I lash out. My goal in life is to make you proud by becoming a better person, by fighting my addictions and my demons and by not being so quarrelsome, rage-filled and judgmental. If I can’t become a better person for me, I want to become a better person for you. Next, I’d like to thank Emily and Tara. Emily will continue posting here during my absences and she inspires me because she’s hardworking, honest, gives her all when she commits to a friendship and isn’t afraid to speak the truth. I love straightforward people and I admire that in her. Tara knows a bit of what I go through and is my twin (This is an inside Literati Mafia joke!) She’s always supportive and her raw portrayals of inner angst when she writes, and her strength to endure things that’ll easily shatter me gives me grit. Next, I’d like to thank everyone else on the Mafia with whom I’ve interacted regularly. They’re people from different parts of the world and have different perspectives to offer. They’re also extremely strong. Now, I’m still getting to know a few of you better, but know that you’re respected and appreciated. Finally, I want to thank Whispers of the Universe. Now you don’t know him, and he likes his anonymity, but man, he’s as strong as they come. He’s made of steel and he’s helped me in more ways than he realizes. I’ll be posting a few Journal Entries like this and yes, a few poems. And for everyone who encouraged me to find peace by commenting on Emily’s entry and for the people who asked me to stay strong and ignore negativity, I can’t thank you enough. Emily passed on your beautiful messages and I’ll read them now myself. Thank you. It’s beautiful that people want to hear what little I have to offer and it’s humbling.

-Nitin

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24 Comments

  1. I am glad to see you. I know we have only just started following each other, but I enjoyed your writing enormously, and was sad to hear you were struggling. We have all ‘been there’, albeit in varying degrees, although it can be hard to accept sometimes. My own demons surface occasionally, but I’m more able to poke my fingers in their pretendy eyes these days. Please take the best of care of yourself and continue to write, even if you think it’s shit. You are valued.

    1. True. I’m not alone and there are people struggling with worse issues like extreme poverty and stuff. You’ve given me strength to carry on. I will write and I was deeply touched by your comment on Emily’s post. Thank you so much for your kind words.

      1. The second I sent that, I wished I’d worded it better. I recently had a hard couple of years and had a lot of people telling me there were others worse off. Well, that’s true…but when you’re going through shit it doesn’t feel that way. Everyone struggles in different ways. So I take that back and offer this in its place. Take care man x

        1. True, when we’re sinking, nobody gets us, My message was only a message I tell myself when things get really rough. But it never really works does it? The paranoia gets you. The rage tears you apart. It’s hard as hell. Mental illness or addiction are tough. But we’re stereotyped as junkies or psychos when poor people are often shown more compassion. So I’m with you totally. I’m just trying to hold on to some ground. I sincerely apologize if I offended you my friend.

        2. Oh No! You didn’t offend me at all…I was worried that I’d offended you haha. Even though I’ve come through depression and won (yay), I still have periods of paranoia. It’s a bitch. Nobody likes me you see. I’m unlovable. A bitch. I am fat and ugly and can’t write for shit. Yadda. Yadda. Blah. It’s a creative curse, I guess? x

        3. Hey I struggle with paranoia and I’m a rage filled monster sometimes. Paranoia is so hard man. You literally feel it don’t you. I’m fat after psychiatric meds too. The picture is an old one. And you can write. This very comment has so much dark humour. So don’t be hard on yourself.

  2. Nitin, always fight the good fight. You are stronger than you believe, lighter than you often feel, and you matter. Hang in and be your best self as best you can. That’s all you – or anyone – can do.

    1. I wish I could say like St. Paul at the end of my life that I’ve fought the good fight, and finished the race. But that’s the Christian life which is also very hard. Christian or of other faith, life isn’t idyllic and like you said fighting is all we can do. Thank you my friend.

    1. Thank you so much Jennifer. I’m really grateful for all you guys. We’re all here for each other and that’s the beauty of this collective.

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