I’m listening to Bitter Sweet Symphony by London Grammar. I love Hannah Reid’s deep, sultry, alto voice and it resounds through my core, flooding me with a million different emotions, and no, I can’t change. I have a million different facets to my personality, and I’m still catching up to who I want to become like a mongrel racing aimlessly down sordid streets. I have a million different echoes of past selves, still lingering in some haunted corner of my mind riddled with million different thoughts like apparitions and I’m forever falling back to someone I never truly am like a man losing his footing and stumbling down a stairway. Who am I? What do I need? What do I want? These existential questions that probably seem like some dog-eared, millennial angst to you are real to me. So fucking real. Don’t you wish you can torch the past; just obliterate it and walk away from the ashes into a clearing flooded with light? Don’t you wish for a sustained redemption that holds you like agape or something and not trite, transient, wordless stark trees surrounding and threatening to engulf you? Or maybe I should strip away all symbolism and just state it raw: Don’t you wish for more than this postmodern simulacrum? A reality that holds you. An actuality that makes you. A truth that binds you forever.
© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)