Knowing me

I’m listening to Bitter Sweet Symphony by London Grammar. I love Hannah Reid’s deep, sultry, alto voice and it resounds through my core, flooding me with a million different emotions, and no, I can’t change. I have a million different facets to my personality, and I’m still catching up to who I want to become like a mongrel racing aimlessly down sordid streets. I have a million different echoes of past selves, still lingering in some haunted corner of my mind riddled with million different thoughts like apparitions and I’m forever falling back to someone I never truly am like a man losing his footing and stumbling down a stairway. Who am I? What do I need? What do I want? These existential questions that probably seem like some dog-eared, millennial angst to you are real to me. So fucking real. Don’t you wish you can torch the past; just obliterate it and walk away from the ashes into a clearing flooded with light? Don’t you wish for a sustained redemption that holds you like agape or something and not trite, transient, wordless stark trees surrounding and threatening to engulf you? Or maybe I should strip away all symbolism and just state it raw: Don’t you wish for more than this postmodern simulacrum? A reality that holds you. An actuality that makes you. A truth that binds you forever.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

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12 responses

  1. Dear Nitin, they’re very real to me as well. You’ve asked some powerful and important questions. Do we ever catch up with ourselves? I hope not, if we did would we become complacent, stagnant, lose our creative edge, and give into the often times thoughtless masses that dictate acceptable norms, social or otherwise? I can’t help but think that searching for, “a truth that binds” is ongoing process and not for the faint of heart. Wishing you a good weekend. ~ Mia

    • Dear Mia,

      I never thought of it like that. And that’s exactly what I enjoy about our conversations. You make me realize that there’s so much more to perspective. You’re right, catching up to yourself will make a person complacent and deprive them of their creative edge. And basically make them a zombie. But having said that, perhaps there’s beauty in being comfortable with yourself. That’s something I’m trying hard to learn. A truth that binds to me will always be love, but love can hurt. I know and I think you do too. Thank you. I hope you have a wonderful weekend too.


      • Nitin, I think you’re absolutely right, there’s a beauty in being comfortable with yourself, and that’s priceless. I tell myself all the time that true beauty isn’t found in perfection, rather it’s found in imperfection. It makes me feel better anyway. ~ Mia

      • True beauty is found in imperfection because none of us are perfect and we live in a fractured world. Having said that I think God exists in all perfection and I don’t judge people who find true beauty in Him. It’s a paradox like so many things in life are. But we need to move forward regardless of our beliefs. Our beliefs don’t define us. It’s what we do that does. Imperfection does produce some great art doesn’t it? It’s rough but there’s a gemstone beneath the layers.

      • But having said all this Christianity is a terrifyingly demanding religion that encourages a person to be very hard on themselves. I sincerely apologise if that last comment was preachy. I still have those tendencies and I’m trying hard to get rid of them. -Nitin

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