In the Amazonian Jungles, an American evangelist survived after local shamanistic pagan tribes attacked his camp. They killed everybody else in crude, barbaric ways using hoodoo and voodoo dolls and spears and machetes, but one young, brave soldier of the Lord survived.
Left for dead, Rev. Dean Jacobs stitched his wounds using pieces of bamboo shoot and massaged oil that he harvested from local flora to help them heal. He then picked up a spear left by the tribals and hunted monkeys and ate their testicles for four weeks before a rescue team found him.
‘My Daddy taught me how to survive. He said, son, when you’re doing the good Lord’s work you need to toughen up and eat those monkey balls if it comes to it. Heehaw. God bless my Daddy. I know he’s cooking some beans looking down on me in his pajamas in the good Lord’s home and God bless him. I could’ve never done it without him,’ said the Reverend when asked about his grit.
We interrupt this broadcast to air a new commercial for a special limited offer Energy Drink by Mark Driscoll ministries with a message from the man himself.
‘This drink’s called Balls, and that’s what we want. We need real men! We need real men I tell you! So if you’re sitting around treating your lady like a boy, you drink some of this, and you grow up now son. Damn you! You stop acting like a boy and grow up! This is righteous rage right here. Real men. Dammit! Real men! Now you little church boys drink some of this. Drink some balls and be real men! Real men like Dean Jacobs!’
The drink is only $99 per can, and you can support Driscoll and his ministry in spreading the good word of the Lord by buying some.
Rev. Jacobs said that the Lord protected him from the tribals by giving him the gift of invisibility, although there were times when he had needs, and he’d have given anything for Driscoll’s pornographic visions. But then he countered himself by saying, ‘I agree with Pastor Driscoll that masturbation is homosexuality. A handjob is giving another man pleasure even if it’s yourself. I mean if I can beat it, so can you. ‘Live free’ will be my new book. It’ll cost 99$. It’s to help liberate people trapped in perversions.’
Rev.Jacobs also plans to write a memoir about his days in the jungle, and he’s calling it, ‘You think you had it rough? Strength in adversity and courage in the strength of the Lord, even if it comes down to Monkey Balls.’ It will also cost 99$ and Jacobs says, ‘I see a lot of young people whining and grumbling, and acting like girls and I’ve decided to tell them my story. I mean you had a breakup. So what? You ain’t tried Monkey Balls yet. You lost your land and cows. So what? You ain’t tried Monkey Balls yet. You lost your wife. So what? You ain’t tried Monkey Balls yet, and I pray that the Lord doesn’t put you through such trial where a woman’s touch feels so far off, and all you’re doin’ is eatin’ Monkey Balls.’
Get yourself a copy. This will change your life. I’m David Ruiner reporting for Christian Nation TV – The only news channel that dares to tell you the truth without subliminal advertising and horse crap.
© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)