A double-edged insight

I cannot fix the past, and myriad horrors await me, but I still haunt my castle of delusion, unwilling to change things. Each chamber in this monstrosity that my mind has created over years of maladaptive dreaming contains either an illusion of the future or fabricated memories. In one, I’m an accomplished writer, in another I’m bedding a beautiful woman, in the third I’m an accomplished musician, and these are just the fantastical tomorrows. The chambers of false pasts ignore the hate, the abuse, the bullying and see me lying on green pastures where a lilting wind caresses my features or replace yesterday’s whiskey with a pen and a finished sonnet.

I don’t know what’s worse: the imagined realities themselves or the insight that tells me I’m trapped in a chimera but gives me no hope.

© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)

For What Pegman Saw

13 responses

  1. That sucks. Not all therapists have been good here. Granted, I’ve only been able to afford one twice -once more being funded by my parents as I was still at home.
    I just know a good one can give outside support, ideas, and practical ideas. I don’t feel the last one was good enough of a personal counselor for me, but what she did do helped immensely.

    • Yeah, it’s all about finding the right therapist. In India, therapists mock you and yell at you and try to force you to conform to their way of seeing things. And then there’s the labelling. When I studied clinical psychology a professor told us about one of his cases which was a ‘dilemma’ according to him. A widow’s son was being sexually molested by a rich Frenchman but since she was reliant on him for monetary support, she didn’t contact the police and instead came to my professor and team. They also didn’t contact the police. It made me completely lose faith in the system when I heard my classmates just listen and not say anything. The system here is sickening and is all about the money. There’s no empathy or the need to help people.

      • Honestly Chelsea, I think I’ll fit in better abroad than in India. I’m an anomaly here. I feel so dissociated from my culture and have no friends. People just don’t like me here. I quit Facebook and Instagram because nobody even bothered to reply when I asked them how they were. There is also this huge stigma attached to mental illness and since I’m frank about it, people dislike me. And since I’m a writer who isn’t famous, I’m looked down on even more. People hate the arts here. It’s only engineering or medicine. I’ve considered studying creative writing or literary theory in the UK but my battle with depression has prevented me from making progress. I really don’t know how to work abroad without a masters though. I discontinued because I was diagnosed with BPAD and OCD.

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