A new beginning

I deleted all my posts because they don’t represent me or who I live for anymore. Looking back, I consider them misery-plagued, self-indulgent, self-pity soaked garbage. Today, I live for Christ, and I want to live for Him until the day I die without anymore backsliding, without suddenly chasing the will-o’-the-wisp like I’ve often done in the past. I’m honestly sick of that life. It’s just one constant chase for appreciation and flattery. All I wanted was the likes and comments; the fame and the glory and the limelight. I even ended up hurting people writing bitter, caustic comments.

Now, the Christian life isn’t easy, and I’m just a Christian recovering from an intense period of backsliding. I still smoke. I’m trying to quit porn and an addiction to video games. I’m trying to quit reading literature that is antithetical to the Christian message, and promotes a hedonistic, bohemian worldview or an utterly despondent, nihilistic one. But I’m sick and tired of swaying in the wrong direction before going back to Christ. I’m tired of embracing culture or counter-culture that only gives me misery. I’ve realized that yes, mental health issues adversely affect one’s mood, but there’s also a spiritual aspect to depression. One that stems from sin. Sin brings guilt which causes despondency. But I also believe that God will help me quit every addiction because He’ll strengthen me through His Holy Spirit.

Now, I often wonder if I’m a Christian at all. My life hasn’t reflected it, and my writing definitely hasn’t. A part of me believes God saved me when I was 27, and another doubts it. And there is every reason to doubt. I’ve lived like the lowest of the low. But whatever the truth is, God is drawing me to Him, and I’m not hardening my heart and doing my thing anymore. David Platt’s ‘Radical: Taking back your faith from the American Dream,’ and of course, the Bible helped me greatly. God used the former to convict me and make me realize just how unbiblical and perverse I’d let my life become. Christianity requires total and absolute surrender to Christ, and God helped me count the cost and say, ‘yes.’ There have been times when I’ve felt some Godly peace after listening to gospel music, only to revert to my sinful ways the next day. But I pray that God will hold me fast and help me persevere this time, until the end, no matter what. And that comes from soaking myself in His Word with the help of His grace.

I won’t be posting frequently from now on. My posts hereafter will also reflect my Christian journey, and I pray that God helps me through all this. Christ died in my place, and it’s my job to glorify Him.

22 responses

  1. Love to you. My daughter’s best friend has also found religion and is as contented and happy as I’ve ever known her. It’s not for everyone. I’m non religious, but I genuinely hope that your faith gives you comfort.

  2. I’m curious as to who you’ll be following now, as a reader. Will you be dumping a lot of people from that list? I suggest you look at Stephen Colborne’s Perfect Chaos site here. He’s a philosopher who I really appreciate and I agree with most of his views. He doesn’t identify with the term “Christian” but I think you’ll find that some of the angst that comes with “Christianity” is answered by his thoughts on God. Just a suggestion. It’s very freeing and less a list of do’s and don’ts.

    Out of curiosity… I once read a poem of yours. Would you like me to delete that from my Soundcloud audio page? I would like to respect you wishes.

    Anything you’d like to discuss, privately or publicly, I am open to that. Love you, brother.

    • I’ve decided not to unfollow anyone I’ve followed. WP has helped me make friends who may not agree with my beliefs, but respect me nonetheless. I’m grateful for that. I’ll definitely look into the perfect chaos site. No that poem was a gift from you. Don’t delete it. I’m just so jaded Tara. I’m reverting to my old ways again and I wonder how I can go on with the Christian thing when my heart is only in it one day and hard the next.

      • I really believe that many, many (if not most all) religious people have these crises. There is the “flesh” warring with the mind and the emotions, to speak nothing of being inundated with the influence of Man’s ideals and philosophies. It’s easy to become (and remain) jaded. Perhaps you should ask for your heart of stone to be replaced with a heart of flesh. I’ll warn you, though, a heart of flesh, as Ezekiel spoke of, does not come without a price. I do believe that many Christian leaders do the faith an injustice with the legalism and narrow view of God. I also question the validity of hell (for man). It’s a good myth to scare people into shaping up, but not really so Biblical when Scripture taken into context. It’s a very effective tool to keep us in the wrong ideas of God. I know the struggles you face (especially internally) are real and difficult. But as I’ve discussed with you before, I do believe some are chosen as vessels of example and some as vessels of blessing and some as vessels of suffering, etc etc. The key, perhaps, is to rest in the knowledge that God is bigger and ultimately incomprehensible than anything we could ever imagine and that in light of that, we must either (rest and) believe that what He says is true (not what preachers or “followers” say but what HE says) or deny everything cell within ourselves to deny it and buck against the very fiber of all creation (thus leading to nihilism and depression). I don’t know. I don’t have all answers. But I do REST in peace with my ‘religion’ as it were.

      • Legalism or the ‘health and wealth’ gospel is what most mainstream churches preach today sadly. As far as hell is concerned, I think it is valid. One sin brought this world to what it is today. And God is love and wrath. I wish I could see things differently but honestly Christianity has crippled me more than it’s saved me. You’re right about God being incomprehensible though. He really is.

      • God being incomprehensible is what draws me to him… in that if I could understand everything there was to know about God, he wouldn’t be that wonderful, would he?

      • True. But the wrath part often scares me. Why did God have to allow this broken universe to come into existence? Couldn’t he have done it all differently?

  3. To seek … and keep on seeking.
    Nitin, your writing always rang clearly of a
    sincerely searching soul reaching out for
    the truth of this bent out of shape reality.
    God does reward those who earnestly
    seek him. And despite doctrines to the
    opposite, he is never closer, despite our
    stumbles and failures. May he guide and
    bless you with his ever loving truth.

    • I hope he does David. I often wonder if its reality that’s out of shape or me that’s completely distorted. On a humorous note, the second half of your comment sounded like a great benediction!

  4. No one writes a benediction like Bob Dylan.
    ‘Forever Young’, being my favourite one.
    And his song, ‘Everthing is Broken’, goes a
    long way to summing up this distortion thing.
    Even Shakespeare’s ‘The Tempest’, with it’s
    phantasms sent to drive men to distraction.
    Holy mindfulness is always at hand, to put
    distractions to rest. It’s a Cross focus thing.

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