I deleted all my posts because they don’t represent me or who I live for anymore. Looking back, I consider them misery-plagued, self-indulgent, self-pity soaked garbage. Today, I live for Christ, and I want to live for Him until the day I die without anymore backsliding, without suddenly chasing the will-o’-the-wisp like I’ve often done in the past. I’m honestly sick of that life. It’s just one constant chase for appreciation and flattery. All I wanted was the likes and comments; the fame and the glory and the limelight. I even ended up hurting people writing bitter, caustic comments.
Now, the Christian life isn’t easy, and I’m just a Christian recovering from an intense period of backsliding. I still smoke. I’m trying to quit porn and an addiction to video games. I’m trying to quit reading literature that is antithetical to the Christian message, and promotes a hedonistic, bohemian worldview or an utterly despondent, nihilistic one. But I’m sick and tired of swaying in the wrong direction before going back to Christ. I’m tired of embracing culture or counter-culture that only gives me misery. I’ve realized that yes, mental health issues adversely affect one’s mood, but there’s also a spiritual aspect to depression. One that stems from sin. Sin brings guilt which causes despondency. But I also believe that God will help me quit every addiction because He’ll strengthen me through His Holy Spirit.
Now, I often wonder if I’m a Christian at all. My life hasn’t reflected it, and my writing definitely hasn’t. A part of me believes God saved me when I was 27, and another doubts it. And there is every reason to doubt. I’ve lived like the lowest of the low. But whatever the truth is, God is drawing me to Him, and I’m not hardening my heart and doing my thing anymore. David Platt’s ‘Radical: Taking back your faith from the American Dream,’ and of course, the Bible helped me greatly. God used the former to convict me and make me realize just how unbiblical and perverse I’d let my life become. Christianity requires total and absolute surrender to Christ, and God helped me count the cost and say, ‘yes.’ There have been times when I’ve felt some Godly peace after listening to gospel music, only to revert to my sinful ways the next day. But I pray that God will hold me fast and help me persevere this time, until the end, no matter what. And that comes from soaking myself in His Word with the help of His grace.
I won’t be posting frequently from now on. My posts hereafter will also reflect my Christian journey, and I pray that God helps me through all this. Christ died in my place, and it’s my job to glorify Him.