I once thought you loved me or at least cared, but watching you drift away from my life so effortlessly made me revalue my convictions. I now realize that it’s a waste of time pining over someone who only pretended to cherish me, who only professed that she respected my way of life and my art; who only simulated affection as long as her friends were my friends, and they admired me in their circle.
Where are you are now when I barely have a grip on this pathetic waste of time, we call an existence?
Where are you now when my feelings inundate me with ferocity, and I’m left helpless, groping for my glasses in this dimly lit, blurry room?
Where are you now when madness taints everything I fucking do, and I can’t tell the world that there’s a different side of me – a lucid, coherent, thoughtful side that embodies what it is to be a pilgrim just like everyone else, journeying through the wastelands of life?
I guess I was foolish to think you were ever there in the first place. If I could go back, I’d hack my naivete into two with a scythe, and ghost you before you got a chance to know how vulnerable I am, because parading my weaknesses and being raw and honest is what destroyed me.
© Nitin Lalit Murali (2019)