My beloved Bhakts, militant Brahmins, fanatics, and Saffron-robed prophets, we are gathered here to address a disturbing issue that’s skewing the democratic equilibrium. It’s a malodor like the smell of piss emanating from beneath a DO NOT URINATE sign. We’ve decided to call it political melancholia. It’s something so repugnant and tasteless, so vile and loathsome like a deformed rat fetus with shit all over it. It’s making the masses moody and spreading like gangrene. It’s altering the ambiance from one of bhajans and bells to one of seedy pubs where skimpily clad women prostitute their virtues and men their gallantry. It’s changing the vision of Hindustan of our chai wallah Emperor who took the throne though he was once nothing; slowly moving up the ranks with dedication and drive; making sure justice prevailed in Gujarat and even forsaking his wife for the True Cause into something these tossing condoms in college dustbins sickulars strongly desire just like their animalistic lust for each other. A few days ago we saw an Italian prince hug our Emperor, and fall at his feet, and it was disgusting, to say the least. That very act was the epitome of political melancholia. This is the golden age of transformation and evolution, and these cultural heretics and misfits seek to dampen our spirits.
But no my friends, we will rejoice! We will rejoice because our Emperor visits foreign land after foreign land dressed fashionably using the money of the middle class and the poor because he seeks their welfare. What if tomorrow some deranged leader of a country in the middle of nowhere decides to attack us? And isn’t it only fair that lowly subjects pay their taxes? We will rejoice because our warriors lynch beef-eaters and cow-smugglers. These pagans hinder the nation’s sanctification with their gluttonous meat-lust and apostasy. We will rejoice because our Emperor cares so much about his subjects that he’s placed a system of tenderly monitoring them in place called Aadhar. Now devoid of privacy, they should know that the chai wallah is watching them and considers himself one of them. Just like emperors of old disguised themselves to know more about the people, our Emperor who is also an embodiment of Lord Vishnu and a true Bodhisattva disguises his policies under the umbrella of financial reform. But left-wing dogs do not appreciate his compassion and reciprocate it with seething hatred. We will rejoice because our national, patriotic champion on the news channel The Republic parades the True Cause with embellishment and he does it with such flair and gusto; exposing the corrupt 2G, 3G, 4G and 5G scams of the putrefying congress and conducts post-autopsies to determine the real cause of the death of the sweet, loving 50 crore wife of a crude, ill-spoken, murderous, barbaric Congressman. We will rejoice because we have a Baba who plans on manufacturing traditional jeans, unlike the buttock-hugging abominations from the west that the women who ask for rape wear. We will rejoice because we have a Guru who defends the secularism of yoga by explaining the expansion of solar energy in the solar plexus. We will rejoice because we pay our politicians to join the True Cause even though they’re carted off to resorts and kept there to prevent ‘defection’ by the mutineers. Ha! They can try, and even if some of us like poor Yeddyurappa broke down and wept because he breathes for the True Cause, they’ll never dethrone the monarch. Heil Chai Wallah! Heil Emperor! Heil Lord of the True Cause!
© Nitin Lalit Murali (2018)