I’m struggling. I’m struggling badly with the Christian faith, with what to do with my life, with sin, and with reconnecting with God. Like I said in my previous post, I seriously doubt if I’m a Christian. In the book The Pilgrim’s Progress by John Bunyan, there is a part which talks about a man in an iron cage. Now, this man was once walking in the light but backslid badly, making him believe that he can’t repent or believe in God’s promises again. He’s an apostate. His heart is hard. Despair and sin plague him.

I feel like this man. I don’t know if I am this man, but I’m finding it extremely difficult to reconnect with God. My heart is hard, and I don’t have a passion for Christ like I once did (albeit for a short time). Christianity isn’t about a list of dos and don’ts. An obedience gospel is frustrating and ultimately plunges a man into despair. It’s no gospel at all. The gospel is about God’s grace poured out on His Elect, changing hearts of stone into hearts of flesh, resulting in faith in Christ which produces an affection and longing for Him, which in turn creates obedience. How can I obey God when my heart is so hard? Do I push against my will and infuriate myself? I need a heart set on Christ. One that loves Him and longs for Him.

We’re inclined to hating God from the time of birth. And after God seeks us out and points us to Christ, we love Him because He loved us first. Now people equate love with obedience, but that’s a wrong notion. I don’t want to get into the details, but I’ll say this: A cold, ‘Obey the Ten Commandments, do this, do that gospel,’ kills more than it saves.

Moving forward, I wish I could connect with Christians who do believe in religious affection and aren’t cessationist and aren’t bohemian or rule-making but Reformed and preferably Baptist in their views in my city. Talking with them, and having them pray for me will certainly help me now. I feel that way at least. The pastors I’ve talked to in the past haven’t helped me at all.

Finally, I’ll end by saying that I hope that there’s hope for me. If God has left me, I hope He returns for me and grants me repentance. I hope He sets my mind on Christ and not on the things of this world. I hope He helps me make a full recovery towards being a God-loving Christian. I hope He helps me do away with sin and addiction, and makes me thirst for Christ. I can’t do it alone. I can’t will my heart to obey Him when it’s cold. I need God. I need Christ. I need His Holy Spirit.